THE USUAL SUSPECTS OF KENYAN TELEVISION

3/25/2016

Oh, hello there aspiring screenwriter, cinematographer or any of the above the line titles. Are you looking to start your own show? Are you an aspiring Djibril Diop with an explosion of ideas you want interpreted on the small screen? Well here is a step by step guide on how to ensure it lands its tv spot on many networks… primetime preferably??

STORY

Rom Com? Thriller? Sci-fi? Nope. Step away. Make sure your story falls in the ambiguously defined genre of general viewing. What is that? Well throw in a family… or two. In fact, make one extremely rich and the other ridiculously poor. Easy conflict right there, basic screenwriting 101. Now what is the story about, hmm… a love story! Yup make sure you have a girl… make her the poor one or rich one, they are easily interchangeable. To put it simply, it does not matter. Give this girl a basic name and make her really… uhmm nice. Yeah as nice as can possibly be, with a drunk abusive father, a dead mom (or runaway) and some siblings she needs to take care of or scheming in laws or whatever…
Now for the story… uhmm… class bias, because class bias is the ONLY real problem in Kenyan Television along with second wife issues, secret illegitimate children hidden away and a will from a fat old patriarch. That for sure will take you to 100++++ episodes.

Lamu Island, Kenya

SETTING

Exotic locations, utilising the amazing views Africa has to offer, a set that actually uses its production designer? Screw that. Just get us a REALLY BIG HOUSE and a VERY POOR LOCATION (read slum) done. Oh, for the really daring ones an OFFICE SPACE where we really only get to see the C.E.O’s/ Manager/ Dude who has some type of authority office. Now for décor… please let it not betray the inner workings of your characters. It will only lean along the lines of Super Gaudy Fancy and Super Duper Poor. This are the only places that your characters exist.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Static Camera alone. No camera movements that could possibly help the story along. None at all, except for of course the slow dramatic Tilt up or down and dramatic Pan left or right. Got it? Good! In the case of composition, lines, lights, framing techniques? Annoying, just point and shoot!

CHARACTERS AND DIALOGUE

Dialogue should alternate between how you think the entire demographic of youth in your country speak. Also, how you envision All rich people speak. In other words generalize everything. Your dialogue should not have any personal signature a fully formed character usually has.

OMGGGGGG!!!!! MUCH BETRAYAL!

ACTORS

For the directors, take seasoned actors and use them for everything you will ever produce. So much so that you cast them in the Same. Character. Trope. All. The. Time. Make sure the delivery is also Very. Pronounced and Deliberate plus delayed for all of 3 seconds as they converse with each other.

For the daring ones, screw having a script just improvise the damn thing they are actors aren’t they? They will make it work. Bonus point make sure they have A. Melodramatic. Stare
Also colourism is hot stuff these days, please exercise discriminatory practices.

COSTUME AND MAKEUP

Use sub standard “Rich People Clothing” and "Poor people clothing". Please do not research on the real thing or anything for that matter. For actresses in the poor girl role, please let them have half undone hair or she is not poor. Are you treating your character in a terrible financial situation with any dignity? Sacrilege!!! Rip them off it.
Actresses should have makeup in the morning… full face Kim K. style.

TITLE

Give one word.

One.

Please be economic

If two words, make them suuuuper melodramatic like Lies and Truth, Love and Hate, Family Ties

MUSIC

Use the same inane track over and over. Plus for those with amazing music tastes, please use popular western songs, permission or not. Lol, who needs composers these days?

BONUS

Skip this, just sell the network a cheap Latin Soap.